chains are broken (by Kiara Rose)
Mustafa Karakas, Germany
"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.."
From the lyrics ‘Chelsea smile’ by the band ‘Bring me the Horizon’
I just came across these words that I found so fitting to my mood on this cold morning in Bali. A few days ago, a facebook friend sent me a game, Facts About Yourself, after I liked her status that told me 12 things I never knew about her. She passed the game to me, if I want to participate to tell 10 things I never shared to anyone. Since then I’ve been debating what to write, do I want to write it and how far can I tell my so-called secrets. LoL, I’m not a big fan of secret nor I’m the type that will try to know someone’s secret out of curiosity. But the new year is coming, and every now and then I got this impulse of spontaneity that I always try to appreciate, let’s just say it’s a sign from above :)
So here goes, 10 things about.me:
1. I believe in love at first sight. Been there twice even though unfortunately both situation only ends in unrequited love. Nonetheless, the gift of loving someone will always enriched my heart. For that alone, even if the experience will bring more pain than joy but if I give myself the opportunity to simply love unconditionally, I knew it’d be worth it…
2. I have a serious fear with being tied down, especially signing contracts or documents. That’s why I don’t even have a bank till now (yes hackers, no use getting my money, I don’t have a lot of those either ;)). Even in professional life, I tend to work with people who will agree not to give me a contract. Worst thing is, I tend to have the itch to leave my job after I have cleaned the mess. Working in order will get me bored in time, give me chaos any day then you’ll see me sticking to it like a glue.
3. I have a thing with Visual art. It excites me, it teach me constantly and instantly about many things as long as the artist is willing to share his/her soul in their work/pieces. I would love to be able to work one day in this sphere by seeking new talents, promoting them, exposing it to the right people and hopefully sharing the love that one can developed simply out of admiration.
4. I still love to read manga and watch anime when I have the time. Funnily enough, most of my inspiration for my poems originated from there. People used to roll their eyes when I said I liked manga and anime, maybe they thought I was being corny or childish. But it didn’t bother me too much and never intimidated me enough to stop admitting it to the judging eyes. I just don’t talk about it as much as I used too now…
5. I mourned deeply when I heard Alexander Mcqueen died… It’s like being ripped apart, knowing that no more these eyes will see something truly amazing, literally a genius mind in the world of application art, a rarity in the human kind. He is sorely missed every day…
6. I only have 1 serious relationship in my 32 years life. It’s weird… Not because I never give it a try but there’s just something I longed to find in someone’s eye which I haven’t find so far. It gets lonely sometime but I take love seriously, life not so much, but love.. I never love in shallow waters, always deep ocean.
7. I was verbally abused when I was growing up, it did some serious damage to my self-esteem until today but I’m getting better. Each day I’m grateful for being the person I become, each day I remind myself that hate will never win over love and each day I remember the time I was paralyzed with fear from hearing those ugly words and know that today that person has changed into someone who can say what she feels even if sometimes she tends to keep it inside still. I’m getting better…
8. When my parents divorced, it was in the early 90’s when being a kid from divorce parents was not a trend yet, I handled it with common sense that not many 7 years old might understood yet. I did not rebel to become troublesome child. I guess I have this concept that since I was on my own now (I was conveniently left behind with relatives), if I screwed up with taking drugs or pills, I will surely die sooner or later. There’s no one there who will lift me up if I fall, those words were my mojo to survive.
9. I did try to kill myself in one occasion, it’s too unreal if I didn’t reach any kind of desperation facing with those situations. So when I was 14/15, after getting into a huge fight with my mom, with ugly words flying around (how I hated those ugly words), I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. The knowledge that my existence wouldn’t make any kind of different to anyone, took me to this very dark place where nothing existed anymore. It was not so much of the act that I think left an impact in my life now, but that feeling, that pure emptiness I felt to the very core of my being… I still feel it to this very day, every second in my life.
10. Thus, in conclusion, the last thing I’d like you to know about me, I have an infinity with silent, with non-being, with the dark things. I’m not saying I’m a depress person, I hope people who knows me now can confirm the opposite but I am saying that I dwell in the world of total void. There is so many secrets there, existence was born from nothingness. Because there is only God, He created us to understand this. Love was born from there too, from no reason, from no motives, from complete emptiness, love was born. At the end of the day, I would like to keep writing about this, about emptiness, love, God, beauty, human being, everything that can bring me closer to the truth, to you, to anyone who has taken the time to read my rambling mind… Because we have been loved, we are beautiful and we deserve to live our life with being who we are. No shame, no regrets, no fears, only love… always love, my friend.
To: Barbara M
Thank you and xoxoxo
"Simply loved this photo! Composition, colors, horizon, moment, all collide into one spectacular silent beauty. Those things we will never get bored seeing, watching then dreaming…."
#Promote Takafumi Hiyama